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i hate you ben, i love you socrates - Breathing and whatnot [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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i hate you ben, i love you socrates [Mar. 16th, 2004|02:05 am]
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |Modest Mouse-Good News for People Who Love Bad News]

i'm this spawling mess of anxiety and gaping loneliness half the time...i get so panic-ridden and i can hardly stand it. hugs are fucking addictive. i'm all cranky and he's not here hugging me..and it sucks. i decided i'm making a list and there's going to be major accomplishment and no more fucking bullshit wanking off. i make so much of my own stress, procrastinating like i'm determined to bring everything down. i think it's the best thing in the world to have his lips on mine, his hands touch my face. and when i see him coming from across the room i can't think how i said goodbye the last time. and then i hate myself for feeling so much because it's pathetic to be so incredibly moved by that one person. i should be stronger. i should be harder. i should be smarter.

i want more for myself, i hate my complacency with my dreams as of late. i need to fight and there was alot of giving up going on that i'd been hiding from myself.

i can't wait to see him in his own apartment and close his door and sit in his living room and he can finally start doing something that makes him happy. there should be a puppy and lots of hand holding and frisbee and naps and girls for me to harmonize with. i get to sing the high parts. that's just how it is. then i can ride the subway and not have to make him drive so we can stahl three times and get all driving tired style.

things are looking up...i'd say. my modest mouse party is coming together so nicely and i have to say i am damn fucking proud of myself. I have a venue run by some awesome kids, an alcohol sponsor and a liquor sponsor possibly too, and i'm going to chalk up the sidewalks and flyer like ridiculous the week or so before. and there's my sponsor..brooklyn industries too! and maybe even one more. All i have to do is nail the promotions aspect of it really and make sure i set up early. i'm mad excited. so excited. plus i got two brand new accounts today and three other newer accounts. amazing, amazing.

i can't wait until the weather gets warm. i think the wierd weather lately is makeing me fucked up moodiness too. awww so amazing and it's going to be gorgeous, especially in lancaster. ahhhh, yeah. and i'm going to drive and hang my arm out the window and play the music so loud the rednecks in the next county over will hear that shit. in pa people actually refer to counties...very odd. i miss it there. i'm going to take Lou there in April I hope. oh yes. the stars are so gorgeous amazing beautiful the best there. and at nite it sounds like the best ever.

Lou is coming over tomorrow nite and he is going to drive me to the airport early early on wednesday. i'm so nervoussss. oh jesus. i'm nervous. i said to my friend..i get mommy syndrome and i need someone to hold my hand. i never fly and it's not the flying as much as doing it on my own. how lame is that shit. boo. wednesday to sunday,that's alot of days and not alot of Lou which is also lame. boo...again.

[User Picture]From: jratlee
2004-03-18 06:36 pm (UTC)
seeing you show up on my friend's page reminds me of my freshman year: you and beth heckling at me while walking back from daly's and me secretly wishing i was cool enough to go hang out with you.

oh how times have changed. haha. for me at least. i suppose i got what i wished for, and more.
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[User Picture]From: heartxcrossed
2004-03-22 04:06 pm (UTC)

jersey days

I'm glad things are going well with you in jersey! Things are good but hectic here. Just got back from SXSW music festival in tx. good times, good times. P.S. i don't think we ever really heckled you. me and beth laughed alot all the time at everything. thinking about daly's now still makes me nautious. haha. oh lord. well, take care hun.
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[User Picture]From: jratlee
2004-03-22 05:41 pm (UTC)

Re: jersey days

oh man. sxsw. i'm jealous. was it good?
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