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heartsxcrossed

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Some things are better forgotten [Jun. 23rd, 2008|01:35 pm]
heartsxcrossed
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

I miss lou.  this is true.  i saw nicole at a bar in williamsburgh.  so odd.  i'd almost forgotten about how aweful that whole time in my life was.  Looking back on it, I feel I've really done well for myself.  exceptionally well.  and looking back on lou, i still think of everything with an extreme fondness.  other people...i suppose i wish them well...or rather i wish nothing at all.  it all made me stronger in the end.  it's almost like some bad dream I can hardly remember with any real clarity.  this bitch has come out on top and I'm proud of every fucking thing I've accomplished.

oh livejournal, it's been so long.  i wonder if anyone really uses this shit anymore.

you remind me of cramped dorm rooms and ramen noodles.  college seems so long ago.  how odd.  i feel old. ha.

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i'm on the outside [Sep. 9th, 2004|03:04 am]
heartsxcrossed
[mood |giddygiddy]
[music |Jeff Buckley-Last Goodbye]

i want his arms around me. best hugger ever. cutest accent everer. and i can't wait till the 25th. man, i want too many things. wanting is soooo dumb.
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just a simple plan [Apr. 13th, 2004|06:50 am]
heartsxcrossed
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[music |Piebald]

it happens to be tuesday and i'm working on makeing this a week of monumental accomplishment and goodness. I think it will spread to my whole life and soon I will use words like "clearly" and relish the way your lips form an "o" of astonishment when i say something retarded. ha ha.

modest mouse party...done. show's last week...covered. ah well and i finally took care of stuff on the site. Lou and I had such a nice time this weekend. and he made me smile alot and i loved to hear him laugh so much. i hope that things become less confusing soon. i hope that i can be there for others and they will be there for me. I think that meaningful doesn't have to mean heavy and complicated. that's what makes confusion in some ways. but i'm about to sleep. which i should have done at normal person times.

sweetness, i believe in you and whatever this equals right now...what's happening...it's fine...let's just ride it out and not fret the details. you make me happy. it's simple. so there. xo

and then she slept.
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i hate you ben, i love you socrates [Mar. 16th, 2004|02:05 am]
heartsxcrossed
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |Modest Mouse-Good News for People Who Love Bad News]

i'm this spawling mess of anxiety and gaping loneliness half the time...i get so panic-ridden and i can hardly stand it. hugs are fucking addictive. i'm all cranky and he's not here hugging me..and it sucks. i decided i'm making a list and there's going to be major accomplishment and no more fucking bullshit wanking off. i make so much of my own stress, procrastinating like i'm determined to bring everything down. i think it's the best thing in the world to have his lips on mine, his hands touch my face. and when i see him coming from across the room i can't think how i said goodbye the last time. and then i hate myself for feeling so much because it's pathetic to be so incredibly moved by that one person. i should be stronger. i should be harder. i should be smarter.

i want more for myself, i hate my complacency with my dreams as of late. i need to fight and there was alot of giving up going on that i'd been hiding from myself.

i can't wait to see him in his own apartment and close his door and sit in his living room and he can finally start doing something that makes him happy. there should be a puppy and lots of hand holding and frisbee and naps and girls for me to harmonize with. i get to sing the high parts. that's just how it is. then i can ride the subway and not have to make him drive so we can stahl three times and get all driving tired style.

things are looking up...i'd say. my modest mouse party is coming together so nicely and i have to say i am damn fucking proud of myself. I have a venue run by some awesome kids, an alcohol sponsor and a liquor sponsor possibly too, and i'm going to chalk up the sidewalks and flyer like ridiculous the week or so before. and there's my sponsor..brooklyn industries too! and maybe even one more. All i have to do is nail the promotions aspect of it really and make sure i set up early. i'm mad excited. so excited. plus i got two brand new accounts today and three other newer accounts. amazing, amazing.

i can't wait until the weather gets warm. i think the wierd weather lately is makeing me fucked up moodiness too. awww so amazing and it's going to be gorgeous, especially in lancaster. ahhhh, yeah. and i'm going to drive and hang my arm out the window and play the music so loud the rednecks in the next county over will hear that shit. in pa people actually refer to counties...very odd. i miss it there. i'm going to take Lou there in April I hope. oh yes. the stars are so gorgeous amazing beautiful the best there. and at nite it sounds like the best ever.

Lou is coming over tomorrow nite and he is going to drive me to the airport early early on wednesday. i'm so nervoussss. oh jesus. i'm nervous. i said to my friend..i get mommy syndrome and i need someone to hold my hand. i never fly and it's not the flying as much as doing it on my own. how lame is that shit. boo. wednesday to sunday,that's alot of days and not alot of Lou which is also lame. boo...again.
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overanalyse again [Mar. 9th, 2004|03:56 am]
heartsxcrossed
my affection overwhelms. i don't know. i should sleep. conference call, shows to cover...pick up tax forms and stamps, call brett. stop being a shit!!! fuck. i need wednesday. i miss simplicity. it should be so simple. god dammit. why not?! cross my fingers, cross my heart. sxsw is next week..HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!! wow, it's going to rule my life. alright, sleeping.
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an item [Mar. 8th, 2004|02:42 am]
heartsxcrossed
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |Oval portrait (currently unreleased)]

i can't explain the way i feel right now. so disconnected. i haven't typed a word of my report for sony yet and i'm tired as fuck and it's almost 3am. and i feel..anxious about everything. i'm playing phone tag with the guy at volume and i have to send my info to the alcohol sponsor this week if i want to get that to happen. nothing can ever be easy and it's not like i'm getting any help. i wish i had a fucking promoter to set my shit up. fuck fuck fuck. i had an amazing weekend. i think i haven't felt as good as i did on friday in a long time. something.. felt so right to me. i forgot to be scared and i felt hopeful about at least one thing in my life. but now i feel insecure again and tomorrows monday and...i don't know. i think i'm hormonal. what the shit.

i watched the soprano's and i ate eggplant parmasan and i hugged my ladies which i hadn't seen in quite sometime...and talked about boys...nice...oh and ate chocolate. heck yeah. how old am i?! ha ha. whatev. it really just made me miss them more. i miss my girl kat. she works and she is always out with her roomates and such and i miss seeing her weekly and having her make me feel sane. i can't wait until em gets here on Thursday. i think i will hug her so hard, ribs will crack. i miss her tons. it makes my heart hurt. we are going to have so much fun and she can meet lou and we'll make some ruckus. word. i'll be in jersey one nite this week too and maybe i'll diner it up and then get some cuddle on. oh fucking the bestest. i can't wait.

must do work. holy shit, it sucks. i want to sleep. alright.
(hey, xoxo.)
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in a land far away [Mar. 3rd, 2004|03:03 am]
heartsxcrossed
[mood |moodymoody]
[music |Elliot- Song In The Air]

i had totally forgotten that i had one of these things and then Lou was sitting at my computer and there it was...livejournal. amazing. due to insomnia i may even update more than three times a year. woo hoo. equally amazing.

tonite was un-amazing what with peoples parents getting in car accident mess and not going to the shows and holding the hands previously arranged upon. this is not a surprise to me. however i am determined to fucking rule my lifestyle rounds tomorrow and call Brett about Volume...because my modest mouse party is going to fucking be the shit. i am so determined...to make it to the weekend which is going to rule as long as no one breaks shit or ...eats bad vegan ribs or something equally ridiculous which might prolong seperation and sleepover/tea/40 oz. party.

oh and p.s., boys and girls are not allowed in dressing rooms together. this thought did not occur to me, i mean there were boys and girls in the same dressing room so. hee hee. no sex in the dressing room. who does that? sheesh. hmmmm..heh heh.

i'm getting taco bell tomorrow. i have decided. i'm pheeening(sp?) for it. there's nothing to eat in my house and i've become dependent on joint shopping ventures. i can justify the old lady cart when my roomates pushing it. heh heh. but seriously. i need some classic humus up in this piece, pronto and like five boxes of morningstar shit. mmmmmm. i drank tea tonite...*sigh*. i'm in love with a pair of tapers and i just look at them from time to time. but i'm going to buy them real soon. with my plastic most likely. damn, it's shit to be broke style. if someone else makes an uneeded expenditure with me I will feel justifieds so...Lou, buy that jacket bitch and i'll buy them tapers. i mean, we need these things, right. exactly.

i'm going to sleep so when i hit those productive hours tomorrow i'll be golden. sweeeeeeeeet. hey...hi...xoxoxox. your welcome.
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white days [Mar. 24th, 2003|04:25 pm]
heartsxcrossed
[mood |hopefulhopeful]
[music |j-theory: love]

ahhhh...posting. that's an idea. they say getting paid for doing nothing is sweet but eventually it's just boring. mehhh.

i can't get enough of the weather. so very nice. i hope it's nice this weekend. i'm rolling back to lancaster and feeling very relaxed just thinking about laying in the grass, seeing stars and wrapping my hands around a steering wheel...things i miss here. public transit can rock and can suck. i'm anticipating the wonder of spring/summer driving. there is abso-fucking-lutely nothing like cruising with the windows down and the music blaring.

i had one of those dreams last nite where i wake up crying. it was this old ache that i know even without remembering the details of the dream. i don't have to guess. it's strange that i can still feel the weight of it all. boo.

in other news, i scared the shit out of myself when i fell asleep and the food i was cooking started burning and set off the smoke detectors. note to self: NEVER EVER COOK WHEN I'M THAT TIRED. jesus, i'm dumb. won't be doing that again. now my apt smells all burney and my roomate will be not pleased. i wouldn't be if i were him...i have to air that shit out. i bought some incense so that should help do the trick. leave it to hotnights to pull off something that ridiculous.

looking forward to wednesday happy hour..and then some with my girls and the infamous booby man a.k.a. Eric. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO, it's booby man and his huge inflateable tits of glory. so unreal.

man, i want aim up in this piece. work=dumb. firewall=suck. i wish i knew how to fuck with the settings.

MACROCK IS GOING TO BE SO OFF THE CHAIN. i can't wait. maybe wolf toucher will be there in the flesh. i would shit my pants...well, maybe not but i would be real excited.
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wonderful wonderful [Mar. 7th, 2003|05:42 pm]
heartsxcrossed
[mood |determineddetermined]
[music |rainer maria]

why is tori so absolutely amazing? amazing amazing...not breathing...amazing. last nite was dreaming...everything. i can't wait to see her again. how can one woman be so amazing repeatedly for so many people. my heart can't even hold what her music has given me.
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industrial strength [Feb. 28th, 2003|02:16 pm]
heartsxcrossed
paying loans sucks. coffee does not. getting up for work sucks. free beer does not. my heat making my apt africa hot sucks. kat mac dancing so sexy-like does not. wasting time while my boss is out of the office...sucks and does not suck. having to pee every 5 minutes because i drank a pot of coffee sucks. leg warmers do not suck. missing friends sucks alot. new friends do not suck but rather kick my ass. yes. paying my dues sucks. having benefits would def not suck! loosing my glove sucked hardcore. hot thrift scarves rule. so do new plugs. being the dork that signed nickleback...SUCKS! however, making mega bucks in ANR does not suck. (and buyin the lady some drinks didn't hurt.) the L late at nite sort of sucks but sort of not...if equally ridiculous friends are keeping you awake. waiting for the L most certainly sucks. double mixed cd's are like woah excellent. balancing my damn checkbook totally fucking sucks. freeze dried strawberries in the cereal i'm eating do not suck. nore do the pimping skils of nic ghetto...absolutely off the chain. that is all. i'm bored. i shook ted nugents hand yesterday at spitfire. i do not know if that sucks or not. i am undecided as to my feelings on this event. the end.
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